


Warm in my Friendships

by BeepBoopBeepBoopSQUIP



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:01:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeepBoopBeepBoopSQUIP/pseuds/BeepBoopBeepBoopSQUIP
Summary: Alexander Hamilton is a new student at Kings College. When he seems to be in love with his roommate, something happens to shatter their already very new friendship.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

Alexander toyed with the zipper on his jacket as he waited for the man in front of him to finish whatever it was that he was doing. To say Alex was nervous is an understatement. He was a nervous wreck, looking like he hasn't slept in months. Which, of course, he hadn't. He was up almost every night writing whatever popped into his mind. But now, here he is, King's College in the admissions office, waiting for direction and some kind of knowledge about his situation. The man in front of him finally got whatever he needed and left with a nod to Alex. Alex stepped up, and told the registration lady his name. She handed him his dorm key and gave him directions, (I have zero idea how any of this works so...) and Alex went off in search of his room. After getting lost about five separate times, he finally found the door with the number that matched the one on his key.   
He remembers being told he'd have a dormmate, but when he opened the door, he was not expecting what he saw. What he expected was the typical boy dorm; stuff everywhere, bad smells, soda and beer cans, and probably some loud yelling. But it was the exact opposite. The room was about as clean as it could possibly be, with organizing shelves and drawers. It had a nice fresh laundry smell that lured Alex in farther. He walked about the small dorm, looking at the posters on his roommate's wall. He also noticed something positioned extremely straight and even directly above the bed.  
A pride flag.  
It made Alex smile knowing that he'd have a sensible, accepting roommate. Alex crossed to his bed and made it up neatly with his navy blue sheets. He then noticed his roommate's sheets which had a pattern of green and blue turtles. Alex laughed quietly and put his clothes in the dresser on his side of the room. He set on top of it a picture of his family, a lamp, and his laptop. His gaze lingered on the photo for a moment, reliving the tragic hours of the hurricane. Alex swore he could actually feel the fierce winds mixed with the water whipping at his face as he stared into the eyes of his family. The winds and water will immediately replaced with the sickness he felt when his mother held him close and sang her final breaths to him. Then, he felt the pit in his stomach only grow when he thought of seeing his cousin hanging from that godforsaken rope. He had torn his father's face out of the picture in an attempt to never have to remember that horrible man again.   
Alex felt hot tears running down his face and the faces of his beloved family blurred to where he couldn't distinguish between his brother and mom. He let a few heavy sobs escape before he noticed a hand on his shoulder. Alex jumped and turned around, assuming a defensive position. The man put his hands up innocently, and Alex glared.  
"Hey! Hey! I'm your roommate John!" he said, hands still up. Alex relaxed, a bit embarrassed.   
"Oh, sorry," Alex said. He wiped some stray tears and flushed red.  
"No, no it's my bad. I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that. I just heard you crying..." John said. "Are you okay, by the way?"  
Alex was speechless as he studied the features of the man's face and body. He was thin and tall, with frizzy brown curls in a ponytail. His freckles were like stars sprinkled across his face. His eyes were brown and had little specks of light, illuminating his chocolate-colored irises. Alex felt himself get lost in those beautiful eyes.  
"Uh...hello?" John asked, squinting at him and tilting his head.  
"Oops! Uh...was I staring? So sorry about that!" Alex said, blushing and looking down.  
"It's alright. I just asked if you were okay."  
"Oh, um...yeah, yeah I'm fine. I was just remembering something sad...sorry..."  
"Don't apologize for having feelings," John says sternly. Alex looked up at him and nodded with a small smile. John smiled back.  
"So...what's your name?" John asks after a moment of just staring into each other's eyes.  
"Oh, right, sorry, um...my name is Alexander Hamilton," Alex says, grinning.  
"I'm John Laurens," John says. "So, Alexander, where's your family from?"  
"Unimportant, and please, call me Alex," he responds.  
There's a knock at the door, and John smiles.   
"MON AMI, I WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!" yells someone with a French accent. Alex looks at John, clearly a bit startled by the loud voice. John just crosses to the door and throws it open. There are two men on the other side, one with a dark frizzy bun, only a slight bit shorter than John but with a bit more muscle. The other man is also very muscular looking and just slightly shorter than the first but still taller than Alex, with a beanie on.  
"Hey, guys! This is my dormmate Alex," John says. The men wave with a smile, and Alex waves back with a confused look.  
"Hello, Alex!" the one with the beanie exclaims.   
"Alex, these are my friends Hercules Mulligan," he points to the man with the beanie, who waves. "And Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de La Fayette, Marquis de La Fayette."  
"Call me Laf," the taller one says, "and call him," he points to the other guy, "Herc." Alex nods making a mental note of their names. John invites them in, and everyone besides Alex sits on John's bed, talking about something or other. Alex tunes them out and goes over to his own bed. He grabs his laptop off his dresser and begins writing wildly, the click of the keys satisfying him. He doesn't even notice all three of the other men looking at him with interest. Alex finally stops typing after a couple hours of the other three watching silently, and stretches out his fingers, sighing happily.   
"Mon ami, how many pages was that?" Laf asks, his eyes wide. Alex smiles proudly, straightens up, and tilts his chin up.  
"Fifty-one."


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A smug Alex breaks down

Alexander smiled smugly as he watched the three men's jaws drop. Alex closes his laptop and awaits a response.  
"Wow," John breathes, blinking rapidly. "Damn you write like you're running out of time."  
Alexander blushes as he returns the laptop to its spot on top of the dresser.   
"You're going to excel in this school, mon ami," Laf assures, with an impressed nod towards Hamilton. Herc pulls out his phone, and his eyes widen. He calmly shows it to Laf, and they exchange a nod.  
"We hadn't realized how late it was," Herc explains calmly. "We'd better be going. And Laurens, no staying up looking at pictures of turtles! You need to sleep, I'm not kidding."  
John pretend pouts and stifles a chuckle. Laf and Herc get up and calmly walk out the door, almost polar opposite of how they had entered. John and Alex share a brief moment of intimacy as they catch each other staring into the others' eyes. Alex feels his heart skip a beat as his cheeks heat up. John gives a charismatic, sweet grin, and Alex can all but feel his heart melt on the spot.   
"Well, you heard Herc. We can't stay up all night," John says, ending the moment. Alex just blushes and looks down at his bedding and John gathers his things to go change in the bathroom. A moment later John emerges and catches Alex staring at the pride flag wistfully. Alex notices Laurens standing there and pretends to have been reading the book in his lap. Laurens puts his dirty clothes in a hamper and sits beside Alex on his bed.  
"Whatcha reading?" John asks, leaning in close to see. Alex feels himself heating up again.   
"Um...The Maze Runner," Alex says, closing the book to show John the cover. John nods and stares into his eyes, smiling warmly. Alex clears his throat and blushes, then giggles nervously. 

"Anyways, we should probably get to bed. Herc can and will yell at us if we don't," John laughs, standing up to go to his own bed. Alex just nods, placing a bookmark in his book and clicking off the small lamp on the dresser. He can hear John's breath even out and turn into long whisps of air. Alex can't sleep though, and as soon as he known John is asleep, a darkness settles inside him. The memories. They come back every night to haunt Alex and push him to the brink. He whimpers and pulls the sheets right around his body, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries to force out the memories.

First comes the memories of the hurricane again, but now the memories feel more like a mental time machine. Alex suddenly feels cold in the warm room, shivering and shaking as he tries to force away his painful past. Then the cold ends and is replaced by a burning heat that splits his forehead. Sweat brims on his hairline as he suddenly feels sick. A hand grabs his as he sees his mother take her final breaths. He lets out a soft "no!" 

And just like that it's over. But it's enough to ensure that his night will be sleepless. Alex is slightly calmed by John's smooth breathing as he bolts upright, panting and crying wildly. He grabs his laptop and writes like no tomorrow. He writes to try to push away the memories, to loose himself in the words on the screen. Hands flying across the keyboard, he's transported to what feels like another dimension. A dimension made entirely of words. Everything is words as he searches for meaning and expression in the forests of bland writing. He knows he has to dig deeper. But is he willing to? 

Alex both knows and is oblivious to this word dimension. He knows he loses himself in it quite often, but when he's in the trance-like state, he can never tell that it's where he's gone. His mind and his hands feel perfectly synchronised, as if the hands already know what the brain is going to think before it does. Eventually his eyes grow heavy with sleep, but he's determined to keep them opened. If he goes to sleep, he dreams. And if he has dreams, they'll be nightmares. To keep away the nightmares he just has to keep writing. And writing and writing and writing.

John Laurens wakes to an unusual sight. His new dormmate, passed out on top of his laptop. John got ready for the day as quickly and quietly as possible before gently nudging Alex awake.

Alex's face was red and tear stained, his eyes bloodshot. His hair stuck out in all directions, and was matted like lion fur. Even like this, John found him shockingly adorable. But the tear stains were too prominent for John to smile. And Alex was obviously not in a good mood when he was woken up. He looked tired most of all, but also sad and numb.

"Alex...are you okay?" John asked, concern thickly painted across his features. Alex just shook his head and slowly closed the laptop, and went into the bathroom with a clean change of clothes. He came back a little bit later, having gotten dressed and gotten his wild hair under control. Alex had decided to splash some cool water in his face to wash away the tear stains and wake him up a bit. 

But he still looked indescribably sad, nonetheless.

"Alex, what's wrong?" John asked, walking towards him. Alex just ran to him, crashing into him a bit roughly. John didn't budge, but looked down in surprise when he felt Alex wrap his arms tightly around him and bury his face into John's chest. Alex sobbed uncontrollably, wetting John's shirt with tears. John hugged him back, drawing little circles into his back with his index finger until Alex had calmed down. 

Alex let go of John and backed up. "T-thanks..."

"Don't mention it. I'm here for you, Alex," John said, smiling warmly down at him.

I love you John, Alex thought. But he just smiled back, and they eventually went to class. 

But all through the day, there was only one thing on each of their minds.

John's was: I want Alex.

Alex's was: I can't have John...


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is invited to a party

Now, you may be wondering, why is Alex thinking that he can't have John? Well, the answer knocks on his door the next afternoon. The answer wears a cyan blouse and some white skinny jeans. The answer calls Alexander "Lexi," and touches his arms playfully, giving him smiles and playing with her hair in a seductive manner.  
The answer's name is Elizabeth Schuyler.   
She shows up at roughly 2pm. Alex is the one who opens the door to face her.  
"Hi! You must be Alex!" she says in a cheery voice. "I'm Eliza Schuyler. I wanted to invite you to a sort of...welcome party. John can come too if he'd like. It's in my dorm." Eliza hands the stunned boy a paper invitation and squeezes his bicep and nibbles her bottom lip.  
"I hope to see you there," she says with a wink. She then turns and walks away, leaving Alex to catch his breath.  
He closes the door softly and slumps down against it, grinning stupidly. Thank God John wasn't there, he'd be laughing his ass off. Alex stands up after a minute and crosses over to his side of the room, setting the letter on his nightstand and grabbing his laptop. He goes onto WikiHow and types into the search bar: How to impress a hot girl?  
The page floods with the insights of over a million different people. Alexander analyzes the information carefully, as if it's a class he's about to have a big test for. After about an hour or two of searching, he understands some basic concepts and is confident and ready to try some of these tactics on Eliza. It's as soon as he presses the X in the corner, John walks into the dorm.  
"Hi Alex," John says enthusiastically, taking off his jacket and hanging it in the closet. "Whatcha doin there?"  
"Just finished writing another essay," he lies.   
"Was it for a class?"  
"No, just for fun. About founding father Daveed Diggs," he says.  
"You're the only person I know who writes history essays for fun," John says with a laugh. Alex just shrugs. John's eyes drift to the invitation. "What's that?"  
"Oh, an invitation to Eliza's party," Alexander replies nonchalantly. John's eyes widen and he smiles.  
"Really?!" He exclaims, excited. When Alex nods, John excitedly picks up the invitation. "It's tonight...starting at 9:00...wow, that's exciting!"  
"Do you wanna come? Eliza said you can if you want," Alex asks. John looks somehow more excited.  
"Of course I want to come! Oh, what should I wear?" John is full on freaking out, raiding his closet and drawers for what he deems an acceptable outfit.  
"Calm down, John," Alex says. "It's only...2:30. The party isn't for another 6 and a half hours."  
"Only 7 and a half? I have to hurry!" John exclaims, speeding up with the rifling through his clothing. Alex just chuckles and returns to his laptop. He pulls up the essay he had been working on the first night and adds onto it. He writes as much as he can for as long as he can and feels immune to the tragedy and problems of the world around him. He's taken back to the dimension of words. He doubt he'd notice if he were shot in the head. When he finally resurfaces from his sea of writing, he checks the time only to realize that it's almost 9 pm. He blinks and his eyes water.   
"Whoa. How long was I writing for?" He asks to John, who has decided on an outfit and stopped being so panicked.  
"Like almost seven hours, dude," John says. "I wanted to stop you but I was scared you would eat me." They both crack up at that comment, and Alex stands up, stretches, and goes to raid his drawers as well. He decides on a blue button-up, which he puts a sweater on over. He finishes it off with jeans and some black converse.   
"Finally," John says, standing up from his bed. "Come on, we're going to be late."  
Alex gives a sarcastic laugh and they walk out the door together. As they walk, Alex counts Laurens's freckles, hoping John doesn't notice his stare. He has a few more than yesterday according to Alex's counting, and as soon as he finishes counting the freckles, they arrive at Eliza's dorm. Alex knocks and Eliza answers. She's now in a short light blue cocktail dress with her hair up in a bun. Alex is absolutely captivated by her looks, and it's evident in his face how beautiful he finds her.  
John notices, and his heart sinks. His excitement fades, and as he follows Alex into the dorm, he distracts himself with talking to Peggy. A great conversationalist and an understanding person, talks with Peggy are the best. Nobody else is there yet, and John is relieved that he got there early. So that he could be disappointed earlier and not have to be waiting for something that wasn't going to happen anymore.  
Soon, guests begin to pour into the dorm.  
And Alexander smiles as he prepares mentally to experience his first of hopefully many college parties.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John breaks down in the bathroom

To say John wasn't having fun is an understatement. He felt trapped, and at one point backed himself into a corner as thoughts, horrible thoughts, depressing, awful, intrusive thoughts clouded his mind. He numbly swayed to the music and detached himself from reality as he stepped into the bathroom of the dorm. To his surprise, and unusual luck, the bathroom was completely empty. John let out a slow, shaky breath as he tried to collect his thoughts. "Why am I here?" He asked himself, crawling into the bathtub fully clothed just to hide.

Alexander was having the night of his life. Most of his time was spent with Eliza and her sisters. He also chatted with Aaron Burr, who didn't seem overjoyed to be there but didn't seem exactly unhappy either. Eventually he slipped away to the bathroom, and saw John hiding in the bath tub.

"John?" Alex called out softly, approaching the tub. John looked up at him and quickly wiped away his tears. "John, what're you doing in here?"

"Hiding," John answers truthfully, climbing out of the tub. He walks over to Alex, glaring slightly. "You forgot about me, remember?"

"Oh, John, I'm so sorry," Alex apologized quickly, his words slurred slightly. To say he was tipsy was a bit inadequate, but he wasn't drunk. Not yet.

"It's fine, but look, there's something you should know about that girl you're obviously into," John says, looking Alex in the eyes. "She wrecks the boys she dates. She flirts until she catches you. She traps you in a relationship and does whatever the fuck she pleases. Then, she leaves you behind and spreads huge bullshit rumors!"

Alex contemplated this for a moment, angrily. "I think you're jealous."

"What?" John said, in complete disbelief.

"I think you're just jealous that I have a hot girl into me, so you're telling me all these lies about horrible rumors and shit. But maybe, just this once, I got lucky. I mean, after everything I've been through, the universe owes me!" Alex cries. 

"I'm serious. If you become...popular or even widely liked because of her, she'll strip that away!" John says, reasoning desperately. He moves to block the door. "Please listen to me!"

"What if I'm just becoming popular because people actually like me? Maybe I'm not such a pitiful little child," Alex says bitterly.

"Alex, I'm telling you--" John begins in a pleading tone .

"I'm not listening." Alex moves for the door. "Get out of my way, loser." John freezes, mouth agape, and Alex pushes past him, storming out and slamming the door. 

John, still sort of shocked, crosses to the bathtub and leans on it. I am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall. I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody'd even notice at all, he thinks to himself. "I'm a creeper in a bathroom because my buddy kinda left me alone..." John goes to fake a piss, then decided against it. He stands there awkwardly for a moment before signing and pulls out his phone, pretending to check a text. No notifications. He can't help but think that it was a lot easier in his mind when he was coming to the party with Alex, as if they were both half of a pair.

But to no fault of mine, there's no other half there, John thinks bitterly.

"Now I'm just Laurens in the bathroom, Laurens in the bathroom at a party. Forget how long it's been, I'm just Laurens in the bathroom, Laurens in the bathroom at a party! No you can't come in," Laurens says softly, it becoming more of a song than talking to himself. "I'm waiting it out until it's time to leave," he decides audibly. He slumps to the ground, back against the door, and picks at the grout in between the floor tiles, grieving softly.

"I'm just Laurens, who you don't know, Laurens flying solo, Laurens in the bathroom by himself. All by himself. All by himself," John continues, still sort of singing. He realized he was just hiding while Alex was out there having a great time. After John helped Alex when he was breaking down. After the intense moments they shared. All those memories would get erased, and he'd get replaced with a newer cooler version of him. 

From outside the door, a drunken, slurred, obnoxiously loud voice sings along to Whitney. John does too.

"I wanna dance with somebody!" He cries out. And his heart sinks as he realizes now he won't get to enjoy the fun of annoying the drunk girls at a party with Alex. 

"Now I'm just Laurens in the bathroom, Laurens in the bathroom at a party. I half regret the beers," Laurens repeats, actually singing now, remembering the few solo cups filled with beer he'd forced himself to down. "Now I'm just Laurens in the bathroom, Laurens in the bathroom at a party, as I choke back the tears." John feels tears pricking the corners of his eyes, and remembers his dad's stern lectures.

"Men don't cry. If you do, just wait as long as you need, until your face is dry. Or just blame it on weed or something in your eye."

"I'm just Laurens who you don't know, Laurens flying solo, Laurens in the bathroom by himself," he sings. Just then, he swears he hears knocking at the door. Loud, forceful , as if they're trying to break it down. As if the sounds were in John's mind rather than a reality. "Knock knock knock knock, they're gonna start to shout soon," he sings, in rhythm with the knocks. The knocks repeat themselves, John singing along with them as he stands up and covers his ears. "Aw hell yeah I'll be out soon!"

Knock knock knock knock!

"It sucks he left me here alone!"

Knock knock knock knock!

"Here in this college battlezone!"

Clang clang clang clang! It sounds as if someone's banging symbols together.

"I feel the pressure blowing up!"

Bang bang bang bang!

"My big mistake was showing up!"

Splash splash splash splash! It gets too much for poor John, and he hurriedly crosses to the sink, turning on the water and splashing some in his face, feeling a bit calmer. Calm enough to open the door, which he goes to do. But he can't hear knocking anymore.

"And I can't help but yearn for a different time," John sings softly. He crosses back to the sink and looks up at the mirror as a mixture of sink water and tears drips off his face. "And then I look in the mirror, and the present is clearer, and there's no denying I'm just..." John falls silent for a moment, letting out a few sobs. "...at a party. Is there a sadder sight than..." He hums to the melody he had been singing, as he considers how this looks. An adult man crying in a bathroom at a college party. "...at a party! This is a heinous night."

He wishes he'd stayed at the dorm in bed, watching cable porn. That would be much more enjoyable than this. But then the darker thoughts take over, and he sings, "or wish I'd offed myself instead, wish I was never born! I'm just Laurens who's a loner so he must be a stoner!" His voice is loud and anguished, although not heard by anyone else over the noise of the party outside. He recalls Jefferson and Madison saying he must be a little stoner boy, spending so much time alone and detached from reality.

"Rides a PT Cruiser, God he's such a loser!" John cries out, Alex calling him a loser still a fresh wound. "Laurens flying solo, who you think that you know, Laurens in the bathroom by himself! All by himself! All by himself!" John's voice is a mixture of anguished yelling and surprisingly good singing. He wipes his tears, and realizes that all anyone at this part really knows about him is his name.

And with his tone full of salty bitterness, he sarcastically sings, "awesome party, I'm so glad I came."


End file.
